Amazing: Putting Music to Order

PLEASE PARDON THE WHITE.  I DON'T KNOW WHY ITS THERE, WHY I CANT GET IT TO GO AWAY NO MATTER WHAT I DO, WHY the FORMATTING IS ALL WONKY, WHY BLOGGER IS MESSED UP.  ANYONE KNOW CODE??  PLEASE READ DESPITE THE WHITE I WILL GET IT FIXED ASAP

I leave for Re:Train on Sunday afternoon for the first week of training. I know many may think, “Oh, it’s just school, no big deal,” but really it is, because this is a huge and exciting risk that on my own, I could never do. I think many of you can identify with this, because we all experience it.

My hope is that in sharing my need and this video, you will be encouraged, in whatever you too are going through, facing, dealing with, or even trying to let go of, and just let God do.

You see, I have more needs than anything right now. I won’t go into them here, but if you feel led, message me. The only certainty there is, is Re:train. I go joyfully, knowing in this season of waiting and pruning, he is putting something together I cannot even dream of, but know like I know I must be obedient to.

In preparing to go and coming to terms with the fact I have absolutely nothing, and that I may very well be called to Seattle to stay, not knowing how to do that, not having any money, not knowing anyone, as well as sifting through not knowing where to apply for a job because I honestly dont know where I will live, its scary, especially as a single mom. Either city… wherever he wants me is where I will go. He’s got this, and he’s got me.

 In preparing for Re:Train, I am reading Disciple: Getting your identity from Jesus by Bill Clem. This past week I was blessed beyond measure to be at Family Camp with the Village church, and when I wasn't being stretched emotionally or physically by just being in nature (something this gal doesn't do well, but is open to try), I was being stretched theologically. I was not at church this Sunday, so eagerly I looked for the podcast, and when I saw the very title, “Disciple: Who am I?” I cried. That is a Godwink. I am headed in the right direction, despite my circumstances. How do I know that? Bill Clem's book and the fact Matt apparently wasn't teaching this Sunday, so each campus pastor preached his own sermon...and they are put online alternately on the Village's main page, and that is the one that was up when I went to the page to search for the week's sermon. Good news? This week there's not one, but three sermons. :)

When I heard the podcast, I was in tears because I was still chewing on something I read concerning how pride can cloud worship

"God measures meaning by a humble heart willing to achieve or leave the biggest deal on the table for the love of Jesus. Anything else is an idol." -Bill Clem, Disciple pg 113

You see, I’ve spent ten years trying to get back to Italy. Italy was put on the table for this summer. As a matter of fact, I was supposed to be there now for a two month vision trip. It was put on hold, and I remember not being angry, which shocked me. I just knew the Lord had something else for me first. I wasn’ t old “No,” I was told “Not yet.” That “Not yet” is a blessing.


Enter Re:Train. Tution has been gifted. First plane ticket blessed to me by a nonbeliever (how awesome is that?). A community group at Mars Hill I’ve never met may have a family for us to live with throughout Re:Train. I’ve been introduced to a church planting team up there. I don’t know – we shall have to see. Faith is whats unseen, yes? All kinds of things are being orchestrated around this. All I can think of is James 1:2.


-Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If I must go to Seattle empty handed because that"s where he wants me, then so be it, amen?

I realized my ‘wanting to know’ is my pride, and it drives fear, and so I found myself getting all frazzled about all this, trying to survive the in between, getting my electricity and rent paid, to plan, to order the events as I saw they needed to go, etc. We all do, forgetting the fact that there are numerous evidences of Gods grace behind me, molding and crafting me, and those around me for the past year.


I've also had to search for some articles on the Resurgence. In searching that, I became aware of the conference coming in October, and Lecrae is going to be there. I've known who he is, but on the Resurgence, they posted something about his new single, and thus began a rabbit trail that is speaking to me profoundly...through rap and hip hop...and if you know me, your eyebrows just raised and you gasped in response, "What?" 

Just listen. So brilliant and powerfully wonderful, whatever your cultural context. Not only have the words spoken to me, but so has the music, how it all can fit together. It has reminded me of my situation, of my story, how he runs at the end, even the phone call in the phonebooth. Then it reminded me of my girls, their lives, their stories, and in this rabbit trail of songs, coming to know the world of Christian Hip Hop and Rap, I heard a song that just felt like it assaulted me, speaking directly to my girls and affirming what I already know to do but am scared to do.   

And that is to quit makeup. To quit the club. This weekend.

 that . was. hard. to. write.  

Not because of them or what they do, or that it is sinful -- it's just where they are, and where I was, per Acts 17 and Isaiah 23:17-19 she will return to her wages and will prostitute herself with all the kingdoms of the world on the face of the earth. Her merchandise and her wages will be holy to the Lord. It will not be stored or hoarded, but her merchandise will supply abundant food and fine clothing for those who dwell before the Lord.  

 

Abundance is not happening for me here, as you can see, and I haven't had enough cash to even buy supplies. Jesus told Peter it was time to go, and it seems, after a year of waiting, it's time for me to go. But I have been blessed in these hard times to simply see God at work. Seeds have been planted. There doesn't seem to be more for me to do there but show these girls the strength Christ can be when you face the fear and trust him. See, I'm enslaved to the clubs like they are -- it's guaranteed money -- but God.   

And that message just decended upon me as I drove through downtown Plano, listening to Lecrae radio on Pandora and this song came on. Not only that, this video will expose some hypocrisy and prejudice among Christians, as it did, even for me, very much to my surprise, particularly from one who was judged so harshly at one time for being so "different."     

Just this week I was discussing an opportunity coming up with a mentor/colleague of mine and in that I happened upon his Facebook page. I came across this video Jeremy’s page. I almost gave up on it, as he warned his readers not to do. The entire story I just told you, the reason behind why all of a sudden I am listening to and in awe of the beats and music in the least expected genre of Hip Hop and Rap music became clear. If you are into music, if you are into science - whether or not you are into Jesus - man! I am so glad I didn't give up in watching this video and I'm so thankful God is sovereign enough to have had my eyes look upon it and spur on this blogpost. It worth every single one of the ten minutes it takes to hear it. 

 

It reminded me of just who came up with putting things in order. In the end, I just had to thank the Lord for giving this vision, and hearing things this way, to this man. It also reminded me not to diminish the ideas, thought processes or gifts I’ve been given, no matter how absurd they seem in the beginning…bc that video seemed to drag a little, was a little ‘out there’ but man… in the end…  



 Talk about being in awe and just the absolute majesty of our creator God…how could I possibly doubt his goodness, craftiness, and just sheer ability to do anything, bring anything, anyone, and circumstance or much needed funds to fruition, in his timing, in his will, all for his glory…particularly amidst my piddly circumstances?    Hearing this has just…wow. Remembering work is worship, school is worship, risk in whatever we do..even having the idea to put this video together. or sharing our stories…is worship because it beautifully displays trust. I hope you are encouraged. So incredibly powerful.  


If you feel led to see how you can participate in what the Lord is doing in this, in any way, please visit and share  www.gofundme.com/retrain.    Please bathe this is prayer or give. $10, $20, $50, $100, or $1000...it all matters, it all counts, and is all very much needed and welcomed. 

Strippers & Strangelove, indeed

An invitation to a birthday party fourty eight hours ago has inspired every single conclusion that has been drawn and explained in this post.  Why?  Because I work on Saturday nights.  Always.  I can't not work on a Saturday night in my business.  But change is afoot and dynamics are beginning to shift.

 You see, today I sat on the grounds of Prestonwood, by the pond, staring at the church, in tears, in  the heat and didn't care.  I was fragile and all kinds of vulnerable, not knowing what to do as my eyes were opened fully to something the Lord has pointed to the last several years -- and I've only been a Christian for a year. Crying out to God, I made my pleas that he would continue to guide me and provide me with wisdom, and a peace not even I would be able to understand and the strength to carry out the message he gave me today. Crying out also for the provision surrounding every need in regard to the word he gave me in the direction I am to go and, more importantly, what I am to leave behind. I then thanked him for already providing the faith needed to even consider leaving my strippers behind.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Dancers.  Exotic ones.  In a strip club, sometimes referred to as a Gentlemen's Club (though not one gentleman has ever entered their doors.)  Three different clubs, with hundreds of girls I've had the pleasure to interact with, to build up, and be a light for in a very dark place.

A year ago I came out of the Christian closet.  Today I am coming out entirely, something that even my girls will understand. Right now as I'm sure some of my girls will read, I offer assurance I will not reveal who you are.  I am no dancer. I am their makeup artist, and we share closets, because many of them hide in there too.


Almost one year ago I was faced with some tough decisions, that all began the moment I came to know the Lord on July 14,2011. Nine days after Christ literally invaded a hardened heart only he could've transformed, I rolled my car on George Bush Freeway three, possibly five times on my way to work.  By all counts, I had at least three opportunities to die in that car accident.  But I didn't.

He had a purpose for me and the ten thousand dollars worth of makeup that was all over the highway, that was by his grace, accounted for and usable, the very makeup was recovered by a complete stranger whom I randomly ran into six months later in a totally different city.   That purpose was to use this same makeup this past year to show a club full of hurting, lost, abused and broken women, that would swear up and down they are anything but hurting, lost, abused and broken, what giving up everything to walk in the light means and what it looks like because I too am hurting, abused and broken.  However, I am no longer lost.  This agnostic skeptic has been found.  He saved me. 



Let me tell you -- they are curious, they are drawn, just like I was to Diane before I would even entertain the idea of Jesus, and I've known her since 2001.  But for these girls, I have been used in a way, in each one of these lives, each and every one who ever sat in my makeup chair to a degree I will never know, but am honored to be a part of.

So to these women, these same women who have seen the change the Lord has made in me, I dedicate this post to you, to your pasts and to your futures and the hope and promise that lies in giving up all control to the very one Jesus who allowed you to entertain the slightest inkling that led  you to believe  you could possibly control anything in the first place.

 I also say to you, that as you search for someone to love and care for you, to pay attention to you in that oppressive loneliness in which you live, that at first was seemingly luxurious on center stage and was later lined in sharp-dollar lies that have pinned you down in the plastic trenches of guilt and shame, I say that despite being surrounded constantly in that loneliness by people, money, designer bags and shoes to fill the hole and get the attention you so desire, you might  read this blog and see how much, how often, and how intricately this same Jesus is interested in, loves, and orchestrates every single aspect of the life you have, the life you live, and the future only he can make, free from every hurt, and full of something much weightier and worthwhile than any of the happiness you seek : something simply called joy.






To my girls, I offer safety in that I will never reveal your name.  To my general reader I ask that if you know the Lord, you pray for these women, for the men that drive this business and their hearts as they read this post.

Pray for others like them, that do not know this Jesus, and who, in every fiber of their being, despite themselves, seek his face, his radiance, his love and peace in all the gadgets, toys, and distractions this world offers them.

This announcement is an of itself is enough for an entire book.  The point here is to press into what the Lord revealed earnestly to me today:  working in the clubs is also my cage.  I am just as trapped and imprisoned as my girls are, and those shackles must be broken. 







Shortly after my conversion, I picked up Ed Welch's book, When People are Big and God is Small.  This was the first book I absolutely devoured, and while reading it one day, I was standing up, and tears began cloud the page.  I then dropped the book and fell on my knees and sobbed.  It was made very clear to me on that day why my life had unfolded the way it has, the why behind not being able to get into graduate school - the one thing I wanted more than anything else before I ever finished my bachelor's degree.

The Lord allowed life to get in the way the last two years of college, and it went by so fast, I was completely unaware I slid from a 3.66 GPA to a 2.39.  My senior year I was a single parent of a one year old, commuting to college, traveling over a hundred miles a day in order to use a free babysitter, working twenty hours per week at Starbucks for nine dollars an hour, with gas at three dollars a gallon and having to learn  the law to fight and ultimately win a custody battle in addition to every other aspect of my life as a mom and student.  Most of the time, I had no idea which end was up I was so tired or where my next gallon of milk was coming from.

Looking back, if you don't believe anything I just described as the Lord having the audacity to meddle into my affairs, how about this -- would you believe that even if my GPA had remained at a 3.66 grad school was still out of the question because there was not one Renaissance scholar in this giant state of Texas?  Not one.  Full of Medievalists, but not one Renaissance scholar, much less one focused on Italy.

That was a roadblock.  It was aggravating and frustrating to be sure, but his design is perfect.  In this decade I have begun to shed the self deserving skin that angrily despised the fact there was no one to serve my needs.  He kept me from studying the wrong thing.

And all of this is being redeemed in a way I would have never imagined.  You see, it was also imparted to me in Welch's book, makeup was a means to an end and nothing more.  This book was the catalyst that revealed I would go to seminary.  A day or so later I knew the Lord would call me back to Italy.  I also knew I would be called to vocational ministry and that I would, at some point, be speaking to large groups of people. All of this blew me away.

 About a week after that, Debbie Stuart of Prestonwood's Women's Ministry asked me to speak at an event.  I had never held a microphone.  But in the very moment I went on that stage, I literally saw all the hundreds of people who have told me my entire life I should be in theater.  I hate theater.  I cant help it, but I do. It was as if a wind came up behind me, and with complete ease and not one shred of nervousness, my mouth opened and I spoke.  In three days I had the opportunity to speak to about seven hundred women. The Holy Spirit enabled me to do that without reservation. HE also allowed me to understand the heart behind why I was told by so manyI should be in theater, and why I have the personality I do that allows me to be so transparent.  God wired me that way for a reason.


 It hit me that my time as a makeup artist was the season the Lord gave me to prepare my heart for him, for ministry, to hone my teaching skills, to listen and to meet others where they are. Even in a strip club.  And the clock is ticking.

I'll tell you-- I saw alot of hurts on the faces of the girls I have worked with the last four years.  Around Christmas I saw this video, and that's when I was first convicted for my work, and the struggle to sift through calling and purpose began.


Jacob's Story from Unearthed on Vimeo.


Many opportunities have come since this time, but only one fits the vision that was first given when I opened Ed Welch's book.  Italy was placed on the table, eagerly accepted the opportunity but instead I was told to wait.  I wasn't told No!! I was told not yet, and I was overwhelmingly surprised how not angry I was.  I have also been in this season of depending on the Lord for everything, and I mean absolutely everything.

But you see, therein lies the beauty in how much he loves me.  He wants me to succeed, and one cannot do that without Christ.  I spent twenty plus years thinking I could, and as I celebrated my first birthday in Christ, I cannot believe how far the Lord has carried me, what I am being delivered from, where I am being sent to, and the purpose and plan that was laid before God even considered (think about that) the very fist star or even where to put it.

 See, when he considered where to put that star, he already knew I would live through a childhood I don't remember, be a suicidal teen, a codependent lover, and a single mother, who would, at thirty two become a saved and ransomed woman that would one year later be sent to something called Re:train.


The music of Depeche Mode comprises the soundtrack to my life. Today, God used even this while I splurged and went to a sandwich shop for lunch.  Even as I pulled into Jersey Mikes, I wondered why I was going there.  I thought to myself, "They don't even have Coke. Oh well, I'll have water."  As I ate my turkey sammich, I sat considering the choices that need to be made before I even go to Re:Train, and as I got up to leave, I heard this song.  And then I knew why I went there in the first place. For now I will simply tell you this:  What a Strangelove, indeed.  The love freely given of this caliber and awe inspiring magnitude is absolutely the strangest love I have ever known. Yes, he does make my heart smile, and I can return the pain quite simply because I wasn't meant to carry it. I heard this song, from my favorite Depeche album, a song I've heard a million times over, like it was the first time.  I heard it with completely different ears... all I heard was this...     But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5     And I left that store in tears. But I will explain why later.