Learning by Extraction

As a child sitting in my Grandma Davis' kitchen, at the bar height counter during lunch time, grossed out because I was being forced to eat veg-all, I remember being teased I had a mole on my right arm.  It was small and brown.  About three or four years ago it began to grow.  Within the last two it grew and changed color.  Within the last year, it grew almost twice it's size, about half the size of a penny.



 I just had it removed, and when I did, would you believe it had an entire team of dermatological pathologists perplexed as to what it was?  They had no clue.  Not one.  My mother did not find any irony that I would confuse even a panel scientists all the way in San Diego that look at skin samples all day long.Go figure.

I wasn't worried about the results at all.  Quite frankly I didn't want to pursue testing because I somehow already knew everything was ok.  Somehow there was a peace there.  But still, they persisted, and two weeks later, a paper arrived at my doctor's office with a very very long word that essentially meant 'harmless.'

Know what's interesting?  When I met James, he too had a growth. It was about the size of my thumb and black as my hair.  Obviously dangerous. Bad.  It had grown for years, and was easily forgotten because he couldn't see it on his back.  I could, and I made him go to the doctor, and then we faced a major cancer scare.  By God's grace he is free and clear, but it was scary.  There is a moral to that story too, in that just because you cant see it, or you push it down or even fake it -- pretending the danger is not there does not work.  How funny that my mole decided to change like crazy the entire time I dated him? I had it my whole life, and that is when it grows?  He gets a huge wake up call and has his removed. We break up a year or so later and seven months after that, I get mine removed? I get it cut out and it's harmless?   That is no coincidence.  That's God.  He orchestrated that mole and the mark it will leave upon my skin. And his, for that matter.

I go into such detail as to illustrate timing.  It was one of the remaining pieces of Old Hollie. God's timing is always perfect, and I will always remember that as I look upon what will be a small scar where nine stitches once were. First and foremost, I will remember the healing that is happening within me right now, in ways even that only Christ knows and will reveal to me in His timing.  A mentor recently wrote to me, "God is like a surgeon, he might cut you but it’s always to save you or your quality of life.  He is no butcher or ambulance driver."  I didn't realize I still had that email.  Now I'm glad I do, because His healing hands and His timing are what I will always see when I see this scar.  He went on to tell me in that email that sometimes God will do this work in us without us even knowing it.  How awesome is that?


You see,  the offer for Italy came at this time.  First it was to stay for two months.  Then for two weeks.  Right there I was surprised I was not angry at the change -- as Old Hollie would have been -- but rather, still so thankful I was being considered for the opportunity and humbled to serve, to use the talents, gifts, personality and history the Lord had already provided for me.

It caused me to consider things like fundraising, ministry, do I need to sell everything and pack up? Now? Wait?  The unknown.  What about my job?  Will I be able to keep it, since I will soon need to do fundraisers on the weekends?  All of these practical variables came together simultaneously to most beautifully expose some of my struggles, but also to reinforce my dependance and desire to walk in obedience.

He is a God of balance.

I am in transition to full time ministry, and with all the choices I will need to make, the vision or mission the Lord has given me to refine and pursue is far greater than remaining comfortable in what is quite literally the remnants of my former self.  This vision, this passion for the literal Gospel is what makes me wake up in the morning, combined with the fact I have been  chosen to come and play.  These stitches remind me that all these variables will come together naturally, albeit with a little bit of common grace.

Truly it has been difficult to sit on this news.  It has been overwhelming in the positive, I nearly couldn't contain myself -- the opportunity for Italy was being handed over to me!  How all of this story and my talents and giftings coming together and Oh! the sounds of motorini whizzing past, the polluted air and smog first thing in the summer morning as it lovingly assaults your nostrils the moment you open the massive, wooden doors that are the main entrance of the six hundred year old building you have the pleasure to call home.  You're blinded because the morning light outside is so distinct in contrast to the dimly lit stone entrance.  The interior is cool because the building is made of stone and remnants of pietra sienna are exposed, much to your art historical delight.  As the door opens and your pupil instantly retreats almost into itself and your other senses adjust, happily you put one foot in front of the other, to the curb.   You turn to walk the narrow, cobbled path, straight to the corner cafe on your left to get your morning cornetto con crema lightly sprinked with powdered sugar paired with an espresso macchiato that is so creamy, you nearly just don't understand how--particularly as a former barista-- how it's even possible the foam is so creamy when it's nothing more than milk. Foamed.  Oh! that is one of my daydreams.


Then to know I would soon have the opportunity to walk the Vatican with Gospel lenses?  To use the gift of teaching  and the passion for Art History I've been given? To teach those stateside going on mssions or vacation to see art with these Gospel lenses? To live missionally with a purpose to share the passions He's hardwired me to have?  Church planting?  Seriously? 

Shut.that.massive.front.door.

But. not. yet.  It is not yet time to go. 

And that's ok, because I learned a lot in this little bitty growing pain.

The fact that I was having to force the issue of passports should have been my first clue, because in my excitement, I was forgetting one simple truth:  God doesn't make you scramble, and really?  All of this - everything in this story, this blog -has all literally happened, without my even trying to make it up.  God saved me!  Came to me.  I certainly didn't go looking for him and if you are reading this and this is you, guess what?  When He's ready to snatch  you up, get ready.   You simply cannot escape his call that can come softly for years or swiftly in a moment.  His arms are simply that capable. And here I am scrambling for funds to order our passports in a timely manner according to the suggested departure date?  That sounds more like my timeline, not His.


 What a way to really learn to be diligent about the vision, but flexible in the plan (thank you Andy Stanley).

You see, the doors have opened to Italy in more ways than one.

Prayer is being answered.  When I was informed this video had been subtitled into Italian, I just couldn't believe it.  Proof right here He is listening.  He is preparing the hearts of those with whom I will work, those I will meet, those whom I may simply have dinner with, and I am so incredibly humbled that I get to be a part of it.  He is in this completely, hence why I am not upset.

My dream, this vision is not crushed, but rather is being refined.  But only in His timing, in His will, and rest assured, when it's time, all things will work together for good (Romans 8:28).

He's told me yes!  But He's also teaching me to wait on Him, not to go ahead without him, as any good dad does -- because when we do this, it always leads to failure, however minute or extravagant the act of self reliance.



You see, had the opportunity for a summer trip not come up, I do not know that I would be where I am, with the vision I have -- what to work on to get there or the people to walk with.  For that, another answer to constant prayer, I am so thankful.  There is no way I could do this without those who also have been so called, saturated in the word and walking in grace.

Most certainly without God's grace, I would not have been able to take this time delay well, but with it I find His grace sweet.  I believe it's Job who wrote God made the good, so he also doles out the bad, and willingly we should receive them both.  It is His loving response to ensure the success of a heart that beats in overflowing joy for the work He's done in me, to see me back to a place he first sent me, a place I love, a place I used to say I left my soul,a place He knew I would one day serve whole heartedly.

How awesome it is to have a Father that loves me --and you-- that much. There is still much work to do.  Not because I have to in order to earn His love, but rather because He loves me.  It is the only response I can give and still it doesn't seem adequate..

There is still some of Old Hollie that is being exposed and extracted -- like the growth on my arm.  Although some of it is painful and even scary, it is all part and parcel to the process of learning to let God love me, to know who I am in Christ and the role I was made to fill.

And that my Friends, is totally worth the wait. 

The path to Italy is being paved. He is the light to my path.


 

Lenses Worth the Risk

My glasses have been my signature, my trademark.  They have provided me with an ability to see with style, with flair, and have literally become one of the most immediate things people say about me, "Oh!  The girl with the glasses!"

My friends, it saddens me to admit this, but it is time to let them go.  Honestly, they no longer suit my needs.  They have become fragile, and honestly my vision has changed in the nine years I've had them.  I just realized these glasses were new when I met Jarrett and Diane, two people the Lord used to call me to himself, and now they are so frail, I must be careful how I put them on.  They're so darned cute and I don't want to let them go! But...

Any vision worth pursuing will demand sacrifice and risk.  You will be called upon to give up the actual good for the potential best.  You will find it necessary to leave what is comfortable and familiar in order to embrace what is uncomfortable and unfamiliar.  And all the while, you will be haunted by the fear that this thing you are investing so much of yourself in may not work out at all.  Andy Stanley, Visioneering, pg 125.

Thus is the case since the Lord literally invaded my life July 14, 2011. The first very clear shift in vision happened on a Thursday.  James had returned from the Center. There was an optimism in him, a change indeed, but I was beginning to see it was superficial. The intrinsic work had sadly not saturated his heart, the weeds were pushing through the pavement.  He was exhausting himself in an endless task list of to do's that would only set himself up for failure in his weariness.   He completed the course! All seemed well, but this Thursday came, and I felt convicted for the first time ever.  I discovered Mark Driscoll and boy did that clear my vision.

It's funny how it worked out, I heard his name tossed around the Village, so I you tubed him not expecting to find what I did, and my world was forever changed.  Understandably shaken to a truth I could not deny, I immediately began to think of ways to prepare.  I called a local food pantry and amazingly enough, got through and even secured the very last appointment they were taking for the day.  I knew money was about to get really tight. Never in my life had I been in a food pantry.  Let me tell you -- it is a humbling experience, and it was then that I lost it.  Literally lost it.  I think the lady across the counter in her white T-Shirt really wanted to hug me, feeling that need to help me.  I was broken.  Uncontrollably I wept, I knew then my world was about to be torn apart, the facades I had created would be torn down. 

I had to tell him he needed to move out.  I needed to see where he was, what kind of choices he would make when left to his own devices, without me to enable and mother him, and the passions of his heart would reveal themselves, as they do with any of us.  I had to get out of the way and let Jesus do his job.

My first direct lesson in waiting on the Lord's timing came with this revelation.  Yes, we could date, we could no longer live together, but I could not talk to him about it until it was time.  That came the following Sunday.  I had no idea what Chandler was preaching on, and it happened to be right on, which confirmed for me that this was the day.  What an example to set!  Everyone knew our intent to marry, why on earth would he move out now?  Whatsmore, my mother happened to pass by our church and asked if she could take Amelie home.  So.  Our conversation began in the car.



It was hard. It was scary.  I didn't like it, but I knew it must be done, and he agreed.  Needless to say, the choices set into motion that day would slowly reveal his passion was not for the Lord, but rather to remain in what was comfortable and familiar.


One month later, at a Starbucks, funny enough, I let him go in love. I had hoped, I desperately hoped we would reach the finish line together.   It is still my prayer that he would one day feel the difference between living a repeat of his life and becoming the man God intended him to be, with a legacy to follow him.  It wasn't his season to turn, turn, turn....

 Comfortable and familiar.  Let me tell you, it's a nice concept, because on that final day when I came home, and the last of his stuff was moved out -- the six bookshelves that lined one wall-- I felt completely and utterly alone, defeated, and terrified.

 No longer was there anyone to distract me from myself and ultimately, my walk with the Lord.  Me and Jesus.  That marked the beginning of a time when I learned the hard way:  When Jesus is all you have, Jesus is all you need.  No foolin'.


But you see, without the risk of letting James go, and going through that stage of going to the Lord for my every need, yes indeed, even to the literal penny, this faith would not have grown so bountifully and never would I have been prepared to accept the most beautiful risk that now sits upon my feet, the sweet deliverance of my heart's desire,  seed planted and nurtured by the very one who will fully redeem it.

Now I know why this song, Greater Things by Ghost Ship stuck with me months ago "Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city. "  Oh how sweet and precious these words are to me.

 Amelie and I are being sent to Rome for a two week vision trip.

But more on that later.