Transformed and Re:train(ing)

Jesus Loves Me.  This I know.  Easy right?  Not so much.  It's easy to sing, but hard to know.

The first week at Re:Train was so mind-blowing and soul-bending I cannot even begin to strum the words quickly enough and allow for the time I need to write my first paper in response to drinking from five fire hoses at the the same time.

But I can show you how my week was framed, and I encourage you -- Believer or Not -- to listen.  The subtlety of this framework is the most beautiful experience, despite some convicting moments and exposed fear, but most of all,the need for complete total dependence on God was made perfectly clear.

Before I left for Retrain, Jarrett text me Saturday morning, asking to share my testimony at the Saturday evening service at Prestonwood.  He knows I firmly believe that it is God's story, I just lived it and it's here to share.  Go ahead.  "Share away!" is what I say, what's more, it's what even he tells me to keep doing.

Something told me to go to Prestonwood that evening.  I never do that.  I have to work.  What an incredible message to hear about fear and the power of a transformed life.  The message was powerful not because I got to hear this man who prayed for my salvation for almost a decade talk about me by name, but rather these paraphrased moments...

"We don't want Jesus in our business because we're comfortable. We're respectable sinners.  Respectable sinners are different from other people.  Jesus provokes change.  Most people dont want change, but more importantly, dont want TO change."

In the twenty to thirty minute range is when Jarrett starts preaching and talks about my conversion.  I have never heard him do this, particularly infront of the masses (with the expection of my baptism, sermon in which he also goes after the very thing in two simple words that still makes me cringe -- spiritual warfare).  It was so encouraging for me, especially being able to hear it while in Seattle, on  a Thursday morning walk to class at Mars Hill.

Transformed from prestonwoodsn on Vimeo.


 The Lord was working on me during that walk, revealing my need for him, for his truth, because all I began to hear was doubt.  All week we were looking at our identity, and all week I was seeing how mine is/was not crafted in Christ as much as I thought it was.  It still makes me shudder that I am so succesptable to believe lies, to think I dont have worth, that I'm a fraud, that I have no place to be an encouragement to others, that my desire to encourage is selfish in some twisted way... but even these things reveal my need for Jesus, because it painfully reveals my pride.

Being at Mars Hill blew my mind in so many ways.  I cannot go into it all here, but just today, I was reading Rid of My Disgrace, a book everyone should read, because statistically everyone knows someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, or is one themselves.  I've been trying to read this book for months, and I just love how gracious my God is in that his timing is always perfect and my pace for this book is set.  This paragraph describes my week at Re:Train, in everything I learned for myself and for class:

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You are accepted.  Isn't that what you long to hear, especially when you know you don't deserve it and can't earn God's acceptance? Undeserved acceptance is a great way of explaining grace.  It somehow changes guilt into assurance.  Grace comes to you when you are weak, not strong.  It's yours when you are in pain and restlessness.  Grace floods you when you feel that your separation is deeper than usual.  It runs to you when your disgust for your weakness and your lack of composure has become intolerable to you.  Grace is already there when the longed-for progress does not appear, when the old compulsions reemerge, when despair destroys joy and courage.  Grace is the wave of light that breaks into darkness, and you hear God say: "Because of what my Son did, you are accepted.  Once you had not received mercy, but now you receive mercy.  You belong to me.  Do not try to do anything right now.  DO not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything.  Simply accept the fact you are accepted."

I just read that today.  Funny how those words were written by the very man who taught us on Friday, the very day a scalpel was taken to me to reveal a wound I still do not yet fully see.  The one thing I did see that day?  Grace.  It was, in a moment, so plain, in the form of a blonde executive assistant who sat with me, spoke truth into me, loved on me and prayed me for simply being a daughter of a king...it almost couldn't be true. I saw community just work itself out there, in that room, in that building, in the condo in which I was hosted.  I saw hospitality at its finest in a humble home from a complete and total stranger who had, for the past month, along with her community group, been praying for me.  As a matter of fact, Justin Holcomb was teaching about grace in the main room while I sat talking with this blonde headed woman speaking to me in a way I'd never in my life even known possible for someone like me.  Instead of hearing it, I experienced it, in the most profound and personal way.  Why?  Because Jesus loves me....this I know... for the Bible tells me so...

Singing and reading it is one thing, to know and feel it, is quite another.

Before I mentioned my week was delicately framed.  Dear Reader, I pray as you read on, you will allow what was laid out above to permeate your heart to see what I am attempting to explain.

For you and me, our identity is rooted in someone or something. If our identity is sourced in anyone or anything other than the love of Jesus, it puts us in a really dangerous place for our well being. If we don’t believe that we’re loved, we’ll end up using people, manipulating them, getting into unhealthy relationships. Counselors will call it co-dependency where we have a love addiction and we just need someone to love us.

Or if we believe that we’re unloved or unlovable, we become depressed. We become sad. We become, perhaps, even suicidal. “Why is my life worth living if no one cares for me?” When we understand that Jesus loves us, it transforms our identity and it reshapes our destiny. It changes everything. That’s exactly what it did for John, the one whom Jesus loved.

That an excerpt from the sermon I heard at Mars Hill the Sunday I left.  Here's a preview.

Did you see that sentence?

For some reason the whole sermon wont embed, but please view this message here...Atheist, Agnostic, or Believer, because he mentions and includes us all, and it is good.

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When we understand that Jesus loves us, it transforms our identity, and it reshapes our destiny.  Mark Driscoll

THAT sums up my first week at Re:train.

•  Jarrett's sermon Transformed is about the power of a transformed life, in which he mentions me by name, and boldly calls out  all "Respectable Sinners"
•  Identity:  All week we learned from Bill Clem, author of  Disciple:  Getting Your Identity from Jesus.
• Mark Driscoll's sermon Jesus Loves Us describes me, down to the codependancy and suicidal past, and ultimately exposes the "respectable Sinners" or consumers, in his own to the core, Mark Driscoll way.  Practical.  Hard, yet loving truth.
• The thread in all of this is LOVE
• I'm learning love.  I'm learning to trust in Christ.  I'm learning to listen.  To not be a "respectful sinner." To be the woman who knows I am loved, no matter what I learn about me, or how many times I fail or feel like a complete fool.

There is one figure I have identified with this entire year:  Ruth.  Ruth is my favorite character in my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes.

My Sweet and Precious Grandmother Taylor's middle name was Ruth.  She lived on a lake.  I remember ducks in November.  It was also through Rhonda Ruth's  story and her death, the Lord began to pursue me earnestly.

 Ultimately, yes, these were strong women, because in their lives they displayed Christ's love for everyone. They were disciples. Even their deaths, in the vulnerability of loss, those they left behind found hope where only hope can be found.

Redeeming Ruth is the first sermon series I studied at Mars Hill, and the sermon God's Hand in Our Risks was the first sermon I listened to in that series where Driscoll says, and I remember when I heard it the first time, clear as day...

 Ruth has a genuine conversion experience along the way to Bethlehem and says, “No, I want to worship God and I want to be with his people, so I need to get to Bethlehem.” This would be akin to a young woman meeting Jesus and saying, “I wanna go to Seattle because I want to be a member of Mars Hill. 

In that snippet of the story are the words we all know, and even my sister, because of our favorite movie, used in her wedding, "Whether thou goest, I will go, whether thou lodgest I will lodge.  Thy people shall be my people."

To do this took guts, especially as women.  Women even in the first century were considered one step above cattle, not allowed to speak in a court of law, and without a man -a  husband or a son - you were essentially left to die.  Today, I know many women (I was one myself) that would feel like they'd die if they didnt have someone, a guy, to "love," that has "potential," that they could somehow "rescue," and "complete" them. That's codependency. When I finally let one go, my world fell apart.  All his stuff was gone, and I stared at my empty bedroom and felt all alone, despite the fact I have a little girl that was given to me by God, to love and to shepherd, just scares me stupid because I don't remember being a child.  I knew at that moment just how fragile the identity I had spent so many years crafting actually was.

I felt empty.

That's a pretty vulnerable place to be.  That vulnerability is important.  When I read that excerpt from Holcomb's book today, and read "Grace comes to you when you are weak, not strong," I felt that vulnerability.  When I listened again to Jarrett's sermon and I heard, " We don't want Jesus in our life because we want to be comfortable.  We're respectable sinners... We don't listen when we hear him say, 'Quit that job and move where I tell you to go...'  In the beginning when he mentions the two radical conversion he's seen, first my story, then John's and how he and John have every Monday for the past two years gone through the bible, and are currently doing - you guessed it - Ruth. When I heard Driscoll's sermon... this sermon, for the first time ever on campus, not online in a different state, all I could do was weep, coupled with the fact that Mark Driscoll tweeted he was actually in Dallas that very weekend, and I assume hanging out with his friend and my pastor, Matt Chandler.  This solidified to me this move is right, because I am following the message and not the man.

And I remember the one thing Jarrett has reminded me of consistently throughout this year while I have gone through the absolute and utter destruction of my previous life without Christ --

He honors obedience above all else.

And the Reconstruction is on the horizon.

Oh how great is our God to speak to us so sweetly.

www.gofundme.com/retrain

Thank you for reading, for your participation, and your prayer.

Folks, if you feel like helping me through Re:train so I can continue to learn, to grow, to ultimately give back and bless others, please give.  Please pray against fear, fear of change, fear of risk in learning to trust as I listen to the Lord's lead, that he will lift my clenched fingers that hold tightly to the guard rail, one by one, as he makes a way to move to Seattle.

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Amazing: Putting Music to Order

PLEASE PARDON THE WHITE.  I DON'T KNOW WHY ITS THERE, WHY I CANT GET IT TO GO AWAY NO MATTER WHAT I DO, WHY the FORMATTING IS ALL WONKY, WHY BLOGGER IS MESSED UP.  ANYONE KNOW CODE??  PLEASE READ DESPITE THE WHITE I WILL GET IT FIXED ASAP

I leave for Re:Train on Sunday afternoon for the first week of training. I know many may think, “Oh, it’s just school, no big deal,” but really it is, because this is a huge and exciting risk that on my own, I could never do. I think many of you can identify with this, because we all experience it.

My hope is that in sharing my need and this video, you will be encouraged, in whatever you too are going through, facing, dealing with, or even trying to let go of, and just let God do.

You see, I have more needs than anything right now. I won’t go into them here, but if you feel led, message me. The only certainty there is, is Re:train. I go joyfully, knowing in this season of waiting and pruning, he is putting something together I cannot even dream of, but know like I know I must be obedient to.

In preparing to go and coming to terms with the fact I have absolutely nothing, and that I may very well be called to Seattle to stay, not knowing how to do that, not having any money, not knowing anyone, as well as sifting through not knowing where to apply for a job because I honestly dont know where I will live, its scary, especially as a single mom. Either city… wherever he wants me is where I will go. He’s got this, and he’s got me.

 In preparing for Re:Train, I am reading Disciple: Getting your identity from Jesus by Bill Clem. This past week I was blessed beyond measure to be at Family Camp with the Village church, and when I wasn't being stretched emotionally or physically by just being in nature (something this gal doesn't do well, but is open to try), I was being stretched theologically. I was not at church this Sunday, so eagerly I looked for the podcast, and when I saw the very title, “Disciple: Who am I?” I cried. That is a Godwink. I am headed in the right direction, despite my circumstances. How do I know that? Bill Clem's book and the fact Matt apparently wasn't teaching this Sunday, so each campus pastor preached his own sermon...and they are put online alternately on the Village's main page, and that is the one that was up when I went to the page to search for the week's sermon. Good news? This week there's not one, but three sermons. :)

When I heard the podcast, I was in tears because I was still chewing on something I read concerning how pride can cloud worship

"God measures meaning by a humble heart willing to achieve or leave the biggest deal on the table for the love of Jesus. Anything else is an idol." -Bill Clem, Disciple pg 113

You see, I’ve spent ten years trying to get back to Italy. Italy was put on the table for this summer. As a matter of fact, I was supposed to be there now for a two month vision trip. It was put on hold, and I remember not being angry, which shocked me. I just knew the Lord had something else for me first. I wasn’ t old “No,” I was told “Not yet.” That “Not yet” is a blessing.


Enter Re:Train. Tution has been gifted. First plane ticket blessed to me by a nonbeliever (how awesome is that?). A community group at Mars Hill I’ve never met may have a family for us to live with throughout Re:Train. I’ve been introduced to a church planting team up there. I don’t know – we shall have to see. Faith is whats unseen, yes? All kinds of things are being orchestrated around this. All I can think of is James 1:2.


-Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If I must go to Seattle empty handed because that"s where he wants me, then so be it, amen?

I realized my ‘wanting to know’ is my pride, and it drives fear, and so I found myself getting all frazzled about all this, trying to survive the in between, getting my electricity and rent paid, to plan, to order the events as I saw they needed to go, etc. We all do, forgetting the fact that there are numerous evidences of Gods grace behind me, molding and crafting me, and those around me for the past year.


I've also had to search for some articles on the Resurgence. In searching that, I became aware of the conference coming in October, and Lecrae is going to be there. I've known who he is, but on the Resurgence, they posted something about his new single, and thus began a rabbit trail that is speaking to me profoundly...through rap and hip hop...and if you know me, your eyebrows just raised and you gasped in response, "What?" 

Just listen. So brilliant and powerfully wonderful, whatever your cultural context. Not only have the words spoken to me, but so has the music, how it all can fit together. It has reminded me of my situation, of my story, how he runs at the end, even the phone call in the phonebooth. Then it reminded me of my girls, their lives, their stories, and in this rabbit trail of songs, coming to know the world of Christian Hip Hop and Rap, I heard a song that just felt like it assaulted me, speaking directly to my girls and affirming what I already know to do but am scared to do.   

And that is to quit makeup. To quit the club. This weekend.

 that . was. hard. to. write.  

Not because of them or what they do, or that it is sinful -- it's just where they are, and where I was, per Acts 17 and Isaiah 23:17-19 she will return to her wages and will prostitute herself with all the kingdoms of the world on the face of the earth. Her merchandise and her wages will be holy to the Lord. It will not be stored or hoarded, but her merchandise will supply abundant food and fine clothing for those who dwell before the Lord.  

 

Abundance is not happening for me here, as you can see, and I haven't had enough cash to even buy supplies. Jesus told Peter it was time to go, and it seems, after a year of waiting, it's time for me to go. But I have been blessed in these hard times to simply see God at work. Seeds have been planted. There doesn't seem to be more for me to do there but show these girls the strength Christ can be when you face the fear and trust him. See, I'm enslaved to the clubs like they are -- it's guaranteed money -- but God.   

And that message just decended upon me as I drove through downtown Plano, listening to Lecrae radio on Pandora and this song came on. Not only that, this video will expose some hypocrisy and prejudice among Christians, as it did, even for me, very much to my surprise, particularly from one who was judged so harshly at one time for being so "different."     

Just this week I was discussing an opportunity coming up with a mentor/colleague of mine and in that I happened upon his Facebook page. I came across this video Jeremy’s page. I almost gave up on it, as he warned his readers not to do. The entire story I just told you, the reason behind why all of a sudden I am listening to and in awe of the beats and music in the least expected genre of Hip Hop and Rap music became clear. If you are into music, if you are into science - whether or not you are into Jesus - man! I am so glad I didn't give up in watching this video and I'm so thankful God is sovereign enough to have had my eyes look upon it and spur on this blogpost. It worth every single one of the ten minutes it takes to hear it. 

 

It reminded me of just who came up with putting things in order. In the end, I just had to thank the Lord for giving this vision, and hearing things this way, to this man. It also reminded me not to diminish the ideas, thought processes or gifts I’ve been given, no matter how absurd they seem in the beginning…bc that video seemed to drag a little, was a little ‘out there’ but man… in the end…  



 Talk about being in awe and just the absolute majesty of our creator God…how could I possibly doubt his goodness, craftiness, and just sheer ability to do anything, bring anything, anyone, and circumstance or much needed funds to fruition, in his timing, in his will, all for his glory…particularly amidst my piddly circumstances?    Hearing this has just…wow. Remembering work is worship, school is worship, risk in whatever we do..even having the idea to put this video together. or sharing our stories…is worship because it beautifully displays trust. I hope you are encouraged. So incredibly powerful.  


If you feel led to see how you can participate in what the Lord is doing in this, in any way, please visit and share  www.gofundme.com/retrain.    Please bathe this is prayer or give. $10, $20, $50, $100, or $1000...it all matters, it all counts, and is all very much needed and welcomed. 

Strippers & Strangelove, indeed

An invitation to a birthday party fourty eight hours ago has inspired every single conclusion that has been drawn and explained in this post.  Why?  Because I work on Saturday nights.  Always.  I can't not work on a Saturday night in my business.  But change is afoot and dynamics are beginning to shift.

 You see, today I sat on the grounds of Prestonwood, by the pond, staring at the church, in tears, in  the heat and didn't care.  I was fragile and all kinds of vulnerable, not knowing what to do as my eyes were opened fully to something the Lord has pointed to the last several years -- and I've only been a Christian for a year. Crying out to God, I made my pleas that he would continue to guide me and provide me with wisdom, and a peace not even I would be able to understand and the strength to carry out the message he gave me today. Crying out also for the provision surrounding every need in regard to the word he gave me in the direction I am to go and, more importantly, what I am to leave behind. I then thanked him for already providing the faith needed to even consider leaving my strippers behind.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Dancers.  Exotic ones.  In a strip club, sometimes referred to as a Gentlemen's Club (though not one gentleman has ever entered their doors.)  Three different clubs, with hundreds of girls I've had the pleasure to interact with, to build up, and be a light for in a very dark place.

A year ago I came out of the Christian closet.  Today I am coming out entirely, something that even my girls will understand. Right now as I'm sure some of my girls will read, I offer assurance I will not reveal who you are.  I am no dancer. I am their makeup artist, and we share closets, because many of them hide in there too.


Almost one year ago I was faced with some tough decisions, that all began the moment I came to know the Lord on July 14,2011. Nine days after Christ literally invaded a hardened heart only he could've transformed, I rolled my car on George Bush Freeway three, possibly five times on my way to work.  By all counts, I had at least three opportunities to die in that car accident.  But I didn't.

He had a purpose for me and the ten thousand dollars worth of makeup that was all over the highway, that was by his grace, accounted for and usable, the very makeup was recovered by a complete stranger whom I randomly ran into six months later in a totally different city.   That purpose was to use this same makeup this past year to show a club full of hurting, lost, abused and broken women, that would swear up and down they are anything but hurting, lost, abused and broken, what giving up everything to walk in the light means and what it looks like because I too am hurting, abused and broken.  However, I am no longer lost.  This agnostic skeptic has been found.  He saved me. 



Let me tell you -- they are curious, they are drawn, just like I was to Diane before I would even entertain the idea of Jesus, and I've known her since 2001.  But for these girls, I have been used in a way, in each one of these lives, each and every one who ever sat in my makeup chair to a degree I will never know, but am honored to be a part of.

So to these women, these same women who have seen the change the Lord has made in me, I dedicate this post to you, to your pasts and to your futures and the hope and promise that lies in giving up all control to the very one Jesus who allowed you to entertain the slightest inkling that led  you to believe  you could possibly control anything in the first place.

 I also say to you, that as you search for someone to love and care for you, to pay attention to you in that oppressive loneliness in which you live, that at first was seemingly luxurious on center stage and was later lined in sharp-dollar lies that have pinned you down in the plastic trenches of guilt and shame, I say that despite being surrounded constantly in that loneliness by people, money, designer bags and shoes to fill the hole and get the attention you so desire, you might  read this blog and see how much, how often, and how intricately this same Jesus is interested in, loves, and orchestrates every single aspect of the life you have, the life you live, and the future only he can make, free from every hurt, and full of something much weightier and worthwhile than any of the happiness you seek : something simply called joy.






To my girls, I offer safety in that I will never reveal your name.  To my general reader I ask that if you know the Lord, you pray for these women, for the men that drive this business and their hearts as they read this post.

Pray for others like them, that do not know this Jesus, and who, in every fiber of their being, despite themselves, seek his face, his radiance, his love and peace in all the gadgets, toys, and distractions this world offers them.

This announcement is an of itself is enough for an entire book.  The point here is to press into what the Lord revealed earnestly to me today:  working in the clubs is also my cage.  I am just as trapped and imprisoned as my girls are, and those shackles must be broken. 







Shortly after my conversion, I picked up Ed Welch's book, When People are Big and God is Small.  This was the first book I absolutely devoured, and while reading it one day, I was standing up, and tears began cloud the page.  I then dropped the book and fell on my knees and sobbed.  It was made very clear to me on that day why my life had unfolded the way it has, the why behind not being able to get into graduate school - the one thing I wanted more than anything else before I ever finished my bachelor's degree.

The Lord allowed life to get in the way the last two years of college, and it went by so fast, I was completely unaware I slid from a 3.66 GPA to a 2.39.  My senior year I was a single parent of a one year old, commuting to college, traveling over a hundred miles a day in order to use a free babysitter, working twenty hours per week at Starbucks for nine dollars an hour, with gas at three dollars a gallon and having to learn  the law to fight and ultimately win a custody battle in addition to every other aspect of my life as a mom and student.  Most of the time, I had no idea which end was up I was so tired or where my next gallon of milk was coming from.

Looking back, if you don't believe anything I just described as the Lord having the audacity to meddle into my affairs, how about this -- would you believe that even if my GPA had remained at a 3.66 grad school was still out of the question because there was not one Renaissance scholar in this giant state of Texas?  Not one.  Full of Medievalists, but not one Renaissance scholar, much less one focused on Italy.

That was a roadblock.  It was aggravating and frustrating to be sure, but his design is perfect.  In this decade I have begun to shed the self deserving skin that angrily despised the fact there was no one to serve my needs.  He kept me from studying the wrong thing.

And all of this is being redeemed in a way I would have never imagined.  You see, it was also imparted to me in Welch's book, makeup was a means to an end and nothing more.  This book was the catalyst that revealed I would go to seminary.  A day or so later I knew the Lord would call me back to Italy.  I also knew I would be called to vocational ministry and that I would, at some point, be speaking to large groups of people. All of this blew me away.

 About a week after that, Debbie Stuart of Prestonwood's Women's Ministry asked me to speak at an event.  I had never held a microphone.  But in the very moment I went on that stage, I literally saw all the hundreds of people who have told me my entire life I should be in theater.  I hate theater.  I cant help it, but I do. It was as if a wind came up behind me, and with complete ease and not one shred of nervousness, my mouth opened and I spoke.  In three days I had the opportunity to speak to about seven hundred women. The Holy Spirit enabled me to do that without reservation. HE also allowed me to understand the heart behind why I was told by so manyI should be in theater, and why I have the personality I do that allows me to be so transparent.  God wired me that way for a reason.


 It hit me that my time as a makeup artist was the season the Lord gave me to prepare my heart for him, for ministry, to hone my teaching skills, to listen and to meet others where they are. Even in a strip club.  And the clock is ticking.

I'll tell you-- I saw alot of hurts on the faces of the girls I have worked with the last four years.  Around Christmas I saw this video, and that's when I was first convicted for my work, and the struggle to sift through calling and purpose began.


Jacob's Story from Unearthed on Vimeo.


Many opportunities have come since this time, but only one fits the vision that was first given when I opened Ed Welch's book.  Italy was placed on the table, eagerly accepted the opportunity but instead I was told to wait.  I wasn't told No!! I was told not yet, and I was overwhelmingly surprised how not angry I was.  I have also been in this season of depending on the Lord for everything, and I mean absolutely everything.

But you see, therein lies the beauty in how much he loves me.  He wants me to succeed, and one cannot do that without Christ.  I spent twenty plus years thinking I could, and as I celebrated my first birthday in Christ, I cannot believe how far the Lord has carried me, what I am being delivered from, where I am being sent to, and the purpose and plan that was laid before God even considered (think about that) the very fist star or even where to put it.

 See, when he considered where to put that star, he already knew I would live through a childhood I don't remember, be a suicidal teen, a codependent lover, and a single mother, who would, at thirty two become a saved and ransomed woman that would one year later be sent to something called Re:train.


The music of Depeche Mode comprises the soundtrack to my life. Today, God used even this while I splurged and went to a sandwich shop for lunch.  Even as I pulled into Jersey Mikes, I wondered why I was going there.  I thought to myself, "They don't even have Coke. Oh well, I'll have water."  As I ate my turkey sammich, I sat considering the choices that need to be made before I even go to Re:Train, and as I got up to leave, I heard this song.  And then I knew why I went there in the first place. For now I will simply tell you this:  What a Strangelove, indeed.  The love freely given of this caliber and awe inspiring magnitude is absolutely the strangest love I have ever known. Yes, he does make my heart smile, and I can return the pain quite simply because I wasn't meant to carry it. I heard this song, from my favorite Depeche album, a song I've heard a million times over, like it was the first time.  I heard it with completely different ears... all I heard was this...     But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5     And I left that store in tears. But I will explain why later.

Timing and the Memory of Memorial

 My elementary school, ironically named Memorial Elementary, was torn down a few weeks ago. The timing of that is by no means an accident, as I come to understand, accept, and even grieve my lack of memory.

My father died when I was in the first grade, and I cannot tell you if ever he walked me up those steps pictured here.  I don't really remember my father. However, I do have a handful of my own memories that aren't influenced by photographs.

 For some reason, though, these are the years that are hanging over me.  I thought not remembering any of these years from earlier childhood to 5th grade and even later was due to my father's death. But it's these years -- these are years after his death -- I am finding that by talking with other people, I should remember them.  It absolutely boggles my mind that it's even possible someone can remember being six, seven, eight, nine, ten, even eleven and twelve.

That's right, I had this record...and the sweatshirt.

I had to laugh because even the fashions of 1986-1989 have returned.  Go figure. Having the opportunity to take my daughter to Justice, I nearly fainted when I walked in.  Hello! Ruffled skirts, neon anything, abstract patterns... shoot, talk about timing -- my family and I took a vacation across the country while Yellowstone was ablaze in 1988, and right now, everywhere you look?  What is everyone praying for on Facebook? Rain!  Why? Forest fires.  What is the purpose in the destruction of a forest fire?  To allow new growth.  It is a sweet irony that just reinforces to me the old adage, 'there is no time like the present.'  God has thrown it all together for such a time as this, so creatively, in fact, that if you have the eyes to see, little Godwinks like these are everywhere. 

 When I took this picture, so close originally to the front doors of the school, there  was air seeping between them, and I noticed the entry to my old school smells the same, and in that long whiff of sentimental debris, came a covering of something vaguely familiar. Smell is like that for me.  I can't explain it, but there is a smell in the air on the first day of school, every year, that I smell even in my own child's experience, that is distantly familiar.  Then, in an instant search for something familiar, I look to the grass. Because of a bright August sun, the grass glints in the morning dew and I remember the day Daddy died. He died January 6, 1986.  It's weird, but that is my thought process every first day of school.

And I am still that girl on the outside, looking in. Think about the dream I had. I saw that dream here, standing right there as I took that photo. That dream and this moment connected.  There is more to that dream I have not revealed, but those are details I feel can be left out for now.  But this, this too is a long hallway, and although different, it is in a state of destruction and chaos, just as my life has been the past year.  And then it hit me:     

 

The child that walked those halls still has walls built up around memories she doesn't have and are themselves being torn down.  As I stared into the belly of a school I don't really remember being in with the half of it already torn down — literally there was a light at the end of that tunnel. My own daughter is the same age, right now, as the girl I don't remember that walked those hallways.  

I've had to guard my heart while the walls that protect it begin to crumble. These are the images that can illustrate my life and everything in it thus far - even my relationship to my own child, because I cannot tell you how difficult it is to relate to a little girl that is the spitting image of you and you realize you do not know what you did, how you felt, where or what you played, the friends you had, your birthday parties, your friend's birthday parties, everyday goings on,  or even how you got to school or what you did when you went home.  

This class picture was either in front of or on the stage pictured below.  When someone on Facebook first tagged this, I thought someone had posted a picture of Amelie, that's how much we look alike.  In writing this, I saw the dates, 1985-1986 and teary eyed, I looked at myself and honestly cannot tell you if this picture is before of after daddy died.  Looking at this picture too, I do not remember being that girl at all.  She is a complete and total stranger to me.




 I can remember some names.  The little boy with the stripes I had a crush on, but I don't have an actual memory of him other than his name was Mitch.  The girl next to him is Carrie and she dressed like the Material Girl for Halloween one year, perhaps the fifth grade, complete with pearls and a black lace glove.  The girl with with the purple pants is Becky, although I do not remember playing with her until my 13th birthday party when she gave me earrings and someone else gave me a beautiful poster of Johnny Depp from 21 Jumpstreet (yes, be jealous!).  The girl on the very end stole one of my pencils in fifth grade.

Oh, but enter God's absolutely amazing grace!  He gave me a little girl for a reason.  She is also fatherless. We are both seeing how great the love of the Father is. If you have a crummy dad, no dad, or even the best dad on his best day -- is but a shadow of the Dad. The dream comes to mind again, illustrating that I must walk this hallway to remember so that I may be the mother He has called me to be... I can trust Him to hold me up when my knees are weak and when I'm overwrought with an invasive, terribly real, inexplicable and paralyzing fear when even a hint of a knowing, a connection  begins to show itself.

These are deep and dark waters, but Christ is in them, and He will show Himself and will be the only force driving me when and if a memory actually surfaces. You see, the only explanation I can give is that He took my memory for a reason.  God is that big.  He can do just that.  He can also restore them as He knows I can handle them. For the moment, that is all I know, and that is ok. I knew I was going to be shown what a Father's love is all about, but never in my life, did I think it would be this way.  How awesome is it that God let me know how much he loves me first, before ever making any connection to my lack of memory? What a display of Fatherly love and affection!  Whatever else I know two things: first, that He loves me. second, that I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.

 I went back the next day without Amelie.  Something told me to go inside what remained of the building.  There was even an open door that went into the cafeteria, and immediately I sank into something dimly familiar.

This is the cafeteria.  I sang on that stage.  I don't remember that, but I've seen pictures. The music teacher's name was Mrs. Schram. She had very curly hair. We played Oliver Twist. These pictures are what the few memories I have are like.  I took the second photo because I remembered that beneath that window is where the ice cream was sold. The last picture just had me, as I exited the cafeteria and entered the hallway.I was faced with the writing on the wall: Once a bobcat, always a bobcat. Confirmation to me memories are there, they are in my brain.  These memories have shaped me, because they left my heart damaged, and the heart drives all behavior, both the good and the bad.

I began to feel unsettled, but then I saw the paw print, that reminded me of a hand print.  A gal I met at the Village immediately came to mind when she said to me about six months ago, "I don't know you. I've only met you these handful of times, but I can see God's thumbprints all over you, every week."  That word picture has thankfully stayed with me and reminded me in this moment He has always been there.  When I was a toddler, a child of six who saw her father, dead on the floor, as a teen when I cut myself out of utter disgust of my very person, and the time in between. He was there in Italy, and even and most importantly, He is here, with me, in this thing called motherhood.

 As I continued through the hallways of what was left, I noted that though the interior of this building looked nothing like it did when I was there with the exception of that stage and the front steps. My sister, who is eight years my senior, described it to me.  She recalled the large pebbled floor that was so popular in the 70's, a floor she said many a  kid skinned their knees.  It had a high shine and there was lots of brown. There were also two trees, inside the main hallway, near second and fifth grade -- the middle and the end of the building.  All of the school save kindergarten thru second grade had been demolished.  As I walked one hallway, I remembered the school counselor, Mrs. Bennett.  I remembered her office.  After daddy died, I would go there.  She had a blonde baby doll with a pink brush, and how I would sit on her couch, brush that baby's hair and just cry.  As I went deeper into the hallways, keeping in mind there is destruction, debris, and dirt everywhere, a deep sense of 'you can't go here' came over me and I literally ran out of the school I was so overwhelmed. 

 I went outside and walked through the playground.  The modern day wood chip filler had been scooped up to reveal the rocks that were on the playground of my day.  As I held them in my hand, I remembered the white rocks. I used to draw on the sidewalk with them.  There was a swing set to the right, and I remembered someone told me the itty bitty curly brown  piles in the dirt were piles of worm poop.

Seeing that fresh slab of  concrete for what will surely be a space for basketball, I was also moved by how easily what is unwanted can be covered up.  What you see in that sidewalk is what was the parameter of our playground.   Funny how my greatest struggle as a parent is to simply be playful.       


   The thought of being playful has actually paralyzed me with fear.  The fear is a result of a wound that is buried, and so that fear has consumed my heart, and it is that fear that led me to choose the impish and childish boys I have historically dated. They were overly playful while I maintained both control and superiority of mind, you see. It  has also kept my child from having the mother God intended me to be.  I am coming to understand I was and have been for years self protecting, and the failure of that is slowly being exposed. He has been so sweet to me, to uplift me, to open and expose these wounds, and even to expose them to you, Reader, for whatever reason I cannot even pretend to know, because I would really like to keep these things to myself.  But then I realized, the progress made, and the fruit of that labor is not mine to keep.

 He has changed and loved me like no other, so how can I not lean into Him even further and rest in that I may not understand or even know what being a child is like, but He does urging me forward in childlike faith even in this.  He is, after all, the one who said, "Let the children come to me." The best part about that picture is the very fact that we are all His children. To those of you who deny that simple truth, you have no idea on what you are missing, and He will pursue you.  I'll bet He already is.  I mean, you are reading this blog, right?  

Although going here and allowing myself to sift through the wreckage of Memorial, just being obedient in that, I was able to leave that place, and I actually played with my daughter.  It looks like sidewalk chalk, but it was so much more.

 See, if God hadn't absolutely wrecked my life, I would have easily been too distracted to see any of  this, including Jesus.  See, the Lord took my relationship.  He took my business. What threadbare bits of my business I've lived on this past year are disappearing.  He  is closing the door entirely. Even my computer.  I have been thrown into a poverty I have never before experienced, but I will say I have never been more secure despite the fact I have absolutely nothing. I am in complete and total life transition. And it's exciting. He has a plan.



I have come to learn I have essentially struggled to survive my whole life, and now I am getting ready to really live, and the best part of that is I know like I know I'm going to have the opportunity to serve Jesus' church in a capacity I don't even yet understand, but will be revealed to me as I walk in accordance to his purpose and plan.  I walked on my own as an agnostic for thirty two years, and it all has led to knowing, loving, growing in and serving the one who put it all in it's place, and has loved me enough to work these details out even when I hated him most.  I am in a period of waiting.  How can I not trust him? He's got something up his sleeve, and I can't wait to find out what it is.


And then, six days after listening the the voice that told  me to go just sit and be still at Memorial, that the opportunity to prime the memory pump was about to be gone forever, the tug that told me I needed to go to my halfway demolished school, God orchestrated something absolutely amazing.  She came back, and it was as if she never left.

Absent, but fully present

Disclaimer:  I do not understand why, but the formatting for this post has proven to be most irritating, and no matter how I save it, it will not publish the same way.  I apologize for giant paragraphs that run together, but I give up.  I have redone and respaced over and over for two days and I can't take anymore.  Here you go.


Right off I must apologize.  Some of you may have wondered where I went, or that I let you down, even that I fulfilled your prophecy of, "She won't keep this up for-ev-errr!"  

 Truth of the matter is I delight in this blog.  I delight in the story the Lord has given me to tell, as I figure out how to do that. All of a sudden, I am writing, and the feedback is that although long, it reads well, and that I have an apparent 'talent' for writing. To have a blog was never in my mind - one that people actually read - or even to write at all, but then again, that is God.

Just before I came to know the Lord, I had an idea to write a historical novel.  I mean, I love 15-16thcentury anything, I love history, right?  Since Phillipa Gregory has Tudor based historical fiction covered, I thought I would go the Italian route in attempt to use my time and talent well.  A perfect figure came to mind that you have seen painted many times.  Her life would make an excellent novel.  My then boyfriend was an English professor and was sick of my 'meta talk,' but I couldn't write.  It is daunting to stare at a blank screen to simply come up with something.  That urge, that unexplainable desire, was the one of the ways of God teaching me to listen -- when I wanted nothing to do with him at all. 

 But then one day, in the midst of trying to save our relationship, I tried something new.  And all of a sudden, it's like I can't stop the words.  If I could write everyday like I was, I would.  Totally.  Some folks have even suggested that each entry is like a chapter in a book.  In the process of learning how to write by simply writing, I began to wonder if this is in itself a ministry, with the traffic this blog sees.  In shock and awe, I'd check the heartbeat of the stats, and I began to watch this blog a little too closely.  In Jeff's response to his viral You Tube video I was convicted.  It was becoming more to me than it should be, right.off.the.bat-- even before he prayed-- I was convicted.  The heart that began it was for Jesus, but it sneakily began to flutter in response to this blogs 'success.'

 Whatsmore, this video is at the very core of why I hated God, what these "christians" were to me, so it immediately had my attention.  This video got to the very heart of my experience.  So how then could I allow the 'success' of showing others what the Lord has done for me supplant the importance of my own child?  That is what I began to do - Amelie would entertain herself while I just 'fixed' something, you know.  Even though I spent the day writing while she was at school, I'd need to fix something that would easily turn in to thirty minutes -  hence not making time for her.  I had to take some time to check my heart and step away.  Otherwise, I would be handing my child the same sentiment I carried, in that I was abandoned for God.


A hard heart was formed in me because it was religion that ruled in my childhood home, and it  fueled self righteous pride that left me to say my entire life that religion was used as a weapon.  But I am learning, that isn't even the root of my disgust, there is more that I do not yet know but am gently being shown. I have nothing concrete except a very real  and weighty knowing that was revealed the morning I shot my testimony at Prestonwood.  Puzzle pieces that have been missing in my life are beginning to fit.  Rather, the shapes of the missing pieces now make sense and the belief in the promise that 'He will restore the years the locusts have eaten,' is huge.  Those pieces will reveal themselves in their right time.



  Much has happened in my absence from the blogoshpere.  Attending the Association of Biblical Counselor's conference on my birthday weekend, I was given more than I ever expected to receive.  As I walked past a vendor table on my way to somewhere, I saw out of the corner of my eye a little black book simply entitled Cutting.   It piqued my interest being a gal that used to cut herself, and so I picked it up out of sheer, simple curiosity. I opened to page five, flipped to page six, got about halfway through, and my breath began to get short.  Thinking this was ridiculous, I pushed through to page seven and then dropped the book in an absolutely crushing panic and found a room that felt safe enough for every single tear that could, wrenched itself from my body and fell like boulders crashing to the ground. I learned on April 26, 2012, the day before my thirty-third birthday, that I misunderstood the why behind my cutting. All I remember is how much better cutting made me feel, and so I thought that was the why.  That is the day I came to know I have misunderstood my own coping mechanism.

Would you believe on the last day of the conference, the author, Jeremy Lelek was speaking on this book, and it took everything I had to stay in that room.  By a strength that did not belong to me, I made it through most of it, but left fifteen minutes from it's end.  I knew it was good for me to hear and to simply know, but I just couldn't take anymore.

What's awesome about this?  At the close of the conference, they gave away some things,which was a total and complete surprise.  By God's grace, I won the 'grand prize' - and I never win anything.  I won the entire Equipped to Counsel DVD set that is used for certification in Biblical Counseling via ABC.  I also had the pleasure to share my story with Jeremy and chat with him a bit.

There was so much more that happened in this conference.  First of all, it centered around Colossians, the very book that contains my life verse.  Before I had even met Jeremy, I was feeling called to ministry, and wondered what, where, how? What is my place in this thing that is so...big?  I had asked the Lord to show me. When I met Jeremy, it was answered.  In congratulating me on winning the curriculum, he asked if I also received the book that goes with it.  I hadn't, though I had already eyed them.  There were three options:  Student, Pastoral, and Leader.  He handed me the one for those in Leadership.  There you go. Something to do with leadership.  Much to my surprise, I just had to chuckle.

After leaving the conference, on our Wonderful Counselor, I took my daughter, Amelie, swimming at the public pool.  There was no where to sit, so I sat on the ground.  A few minutes after my arrival, an older gentleman by the name of Cecil decided he would sit down next to me. He's a grandpa who brought his two grandbabies to the pool.  One of his upper front teeth was missing.  He had deep wrinkles and rough hands. He told me he was a Vietnam Vet, and so, I thought I'd express my concern for my next door neighbor who is also a veteran of Vietnam that has become quite the recluse.  This got us chatting on the subject of memory.

It allowed me to see inside his heart that also hurts.  He continued to tell me how he essentially justifies his existence on earth by being a 'good person.'  He described his memory like a file cabinet.  As he described this cabinet, you could see that battles are still waging, still screaming their muffled battle cries, stuffed into the confines of dusty and dimly lit pockets of memory that are anything but manilla with a weighty label called guilt. "The file is always there," he said, "You just gotta find it.  You can bury it... but it never goes away, and sometimes it just shows up."  Just in hearing his heart, I told him my story, and how I just became aware of the fact the Lord took my memory for a reason, and will restore it as I can handle it, because above all, Jesus is a gentleman, who can relate to anything we have ever been through.

So here we were.  Two complete and total strangers, with a good thirty years between us, on a wet, concrete floor at the public pool, where the air is humid and your eyes burn from chlorine fumes, and we sat together.  While chatting, I felt the nudge that said I should share my story with him.  I pulled out my earbuds, asked him if I could show him something and we each took one earbud and watched my video testimony. This opened up conversation about Christians and how awful they are.  Oh boy!  I understood what he was saying alright and so that led me so show him Chandler's video about The Explicit Gospel.  He was a little taken aback by this, shocked almost and he was precious, I'll tell you!  He began to talk about how that big monstrosity up there on the other side of Plano, you know-- that BIG church -- Jesus wasn't in that place.  All they wanted was your money.

I told him then that the little voice he'd mentioned that told him to sit down next to me?  There was a little more to that voice he might like to know, and I thanked him for listening to it, because that was Jesus.  When I told him that video was shot at that church, the Prestonwood I too disliked and judged ages ago, you should've seen that man's jaw drop to the floor. 


 It was awesome to talk to this man. I will never forget it.  It truly was a defining moment for me. I would ask you to pray for this man named Cecil.  We sat together in the public pool talking about Jesus.  After seeing this video and talking some more with me, he looked straight into my eyes, complete with a little bit of a twinkle, and said, "You know, you should look into being a counselor." That's when I had the absolute pleasure to explain to this simple man named Cecil with a missing front tooth what a Godwink is.  I just left a three day conference on Biblical counseling not four hours before this very conversation.  That is just how creative our God is, how he's in everything we have ever done, will ever do, or ever become, just because he made it all.  Even our meeting.

On my way to work the night I met Cecil, this is the view I had, and all I could do was sing the song below.  What a promise that I am on the right path!  To know that I am supposed to share my story, that he will redeem the darkness, and that although painful, like childbirth itself, it is worth it.  It's strange.  You know something isn't right.  You have an idea, yet you are terrified to name it.  This is primarily, Dear Reader, why I have been silent.  The Lord is showing up in a mighty way, and everything in me wants to tell about it, the ins and outs of these small glimpses into an unknown past, but I am not yet ready to admit them even to myself.  But God is working it out.  Through the moment I had with that book, and both of these videos, I have come to understand there is more to me than I ever suspected.

A wise woman once told me, "Without your past, you have no future." The best part about that is the fact I have the last year behind me to remember how faithful the Lord is, and an exciting future ahead of me as I learn how to embrace the call that has been placed on my life, and for that I am so incredibly grateful.   I had no idea what was coming my way, but all I can tell you is-- she's right.

Ray Charles & Accidental Grace

I haven't written my blog in several weeks and time escapes me, and moments fly by. Opportunities for me to lavishly paint in broad strokes the glimpses God allows me to see so clearly, pass by.  A strange sense of grief that I missed the opportunity to write with a fresh enthusiasm, tinged with guilt that I didn't go back later then settles upon me, for I feel I have failed to do as I have, for this season, been called to do.

It has been established this writing thing is a call, for I would have never, in a million years, ever thought I would be doing this.  It seems almost impossible to re-examine these Godwinks that have been stuffed into a small pocket that in their own moments were so incredibly sweet, illuminating, and just incredible evidences that reveal the intricacy in which God has woven everything that is your life, with what seems like His never ending spool.  It's just fascinating, when you think on it, really.

Oh to fall behind in sharing that is heavy quite simply because its brilliance has been dimmed by the dust of busy and long days, that become more and more full and more and more telling and weighty.  Days spent ignoring the call to write, days of doubt, as I sift through a past I don't remember while simultaneously discerning how to best move ahead.   It is extremely clear He has me on a journey, one that will reveal more as I walk further into shadows that only He knows how to redeem.  But it is also one in which He shows up, quite frequently to show me He is there, I needn't be afraid, and to simply rest in Him, because He has set me free.

On a whim tonight my child sang a song.  Music holds a special place in my life and has always stirred my affections, and so it is no accident it was then on my mind.  As I've sat here, for the better part two hours, perusing all the greats and even those obscure voices that Youtube has to offer for this timeless tune, I stumbled upon good ol Ray Charles.

 It was in the voice of Ray Charles my soul was liberated -- freed--  from this stagnant, invisible weight I had on my chest that is guilt, rooted in fear.  Right now, I write barely able to see the screen. Tears are falling with the gentle reminder that all I need is grace.

Raw honesty is in this voice.  You can hear it.  Sift through the myriad of recordings of this song and you can hear how different this version is, because these words mean something to a man who walked in grace and is himself, at the recording of this song, close to his own death. Look at the joy on this man's face.

 This song is, as I hear it, utterly drenched in humility, and overwhelmingly infused with an almost fresh sense of grace.  Ray sings so plainly alongside what is literally a royal orchestra, comprised of pristine brass, drums and humming strings-- each individual instrument comes together to culminate in a sound  that seems as explosive and exhaustively beautiful as the grit contained within the gospel itself.  Quite literally it  feels as if the music could completely envelop me in the simple grace of which he sings. 

In all of the versions I have heard tonight, every single one of them cuts out the meat in the middle.  That reminded me of the coffee cup verses in Romans that are nearly always taken out of context:  "..all things  work together for good...if God is for us, who can be against us?"  Take a look at everything that is left out of that.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son, in order he might be firstborn among many brothers.  And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called, he also justified, and those whom he justified, he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

CS  Lewis also recognized the struggle that takes place in the middle when he wrote, "Things often go swimmingly for the first week.  Try six weeks."  Sure, the beginning of that Romans verse, "everything works together for good!" buttressed with "Who can be against us?!"  Umm, no.  Look at the middle.  Everyone in the middle.  I sat there for 30 years.  Ray Charles sat there longer than that, enslaved to all the bandaids the world could offer him to scratch his itch to help him push down bad memories and feel whole, until one day... and that man's story beautifully shows not only on paper, in film, but here, quite simply in his voice, the meat of this verse in Romans.



...those whom he foreknew, he predestined...

Sure, we can read those verses like that!  Done!  Is coming out of Jim Crow south easy?  Blind?  Being addicted to heroin for 15 plus years and get off it? Easy? I think not. Being raised in church, not knowing who God really is and so you run, and do your own thing, to make your own happiness. For me, is coming into a truth that will shake off the residue crafted by religion --both the religion doled out to me that painted Christians as mean, hateful, empty frauds and my own religious self-righteousness that refuted anything other than my own wisdom and that which made me happy and suited my needs that has molded and shaped me going to be easy? No.  No it's not.


 And that is what has kept me from writing. Fear.  Fear from it all, fear from saying too much, fear for not telling this story well, fear of confessing my fear of failure and my fear of man, and on and on it could go, but ultimately what lies at the root all  of that is simply me relying on myself.  Fear, fear, fear, fear.  It's like a festering, highly contagious, yet paralyzing wound, that when left alone breeds self sufficiency, but when acknowledged, beautifully reiterates my dependence on someone I'm still getting to know and even consider I have: my dad.

But that's when I heard the first part of the song T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear. And Grace, my fears relieved... and I felt, right then, the covering of grace in the simplicity of Ray's voice, which led me to find the verses that, like those in Romans, are never sung:


Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

 Now listen to this same song, with this video, put together by someone, somewhere,at some time, that I just happened to come upon and listen, knowing these verses are right in between the already and not yet, where so many of us get lost.

And that is the whole point:  the meat in the middle of Romans?  He already knew me.  He knew Ray. He even knew Johnny Cash, since we're talking musicians.  He even knows you.

And the best part?  Grace was the very outcome of the Cross.  To be wrecked by God is the most beautiful, freeing experience this world has to offer .

Recently I dreampt of a house.  It's shown up several times, but this was the most telling version of the dream thus far, and for that reason I will not tell about it completely, quite simply because it is not time to do so.  In this majestic home there is a long, rectangular gallery, probably about half the size of a ballroom.  Either side is lined by massive easels, each draped and covered.  There is a huge window behind me, and as I had hold of my child's hand, I knew I had to walk this gallery.  With each step the light would slowly creep past me, just beyond my big toe, and I know as I am able to go deeper into the room, the light would extend a little further the further I go. In the end, the hallway will be bathed in light and each easel will at some point, reveal the draped painting  I didn't even get to the first easel before I had to leave the room.  This journey, I'm afraid may be slow and arduous, but constantly He reveals to me, in the healing light that only He can be, that I need only to rely on Him.

His timing is always perfect, He never throws you more than you can handle.


 The neglected verses in Amazing Grace will be so sweet to me as I walk that gallery. I do so willingly, knowing it is necessary to walk in true freedom that will leave a legacy for my child that, in this dream, holds my hand and maybe, one day, I'll even paint again.

How funny: I just remembered my child took her first steps to Ray Charles.

As I type this, Lean on Me began to play. Go figure.

I love this version, by the way.  Used to watch this movie over and over and over again.